Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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