i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
