Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize