Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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