all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
