literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
