And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
