She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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