I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
