I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
