I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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