She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
