then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
