I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
