About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I supernannyed him into submission
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
