Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
