dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
