Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
