JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I touched a dick in church today
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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