I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
