I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
