Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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