This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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