I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We don't watch enough power rangers
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
