What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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