so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
