I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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