Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
