I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
