I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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