it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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