saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
