Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
