If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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