why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also, beer. Big fan.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
