wanna go halves on a baby?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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