I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
