I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize