I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
