Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
