: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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