i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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