drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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