Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
