Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize