the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
