he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
