girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
