dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
