I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
