just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
