The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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