You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
