Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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