He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
