not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
