to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
