I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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