Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize