apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
