after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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