And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
