I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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