I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
